hadleybryant

Madison Arabella Fisher
5lbs 15oz. and 19.5 inches long

My beautiful little girl. She was born on May 21st in the early morning hours. She's amazing. Such a good baby and I love her more than I've ever loved anything in the entire world. I never thought I could be this happy, but then she does something as simple as look at me and being here doesn't feel so bad after all.

I'm 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant. How ridiculous is that? I can't believe that it's been so long and every time I look down at my massive belly I'm reminded. There aren't many more days until the baby will be born and the closer it comes to my due date, the more nervous I am about what's going to happen. I'm worried about whether I'll be a good mother or a bad one, but the more I've let myself understand that I'll be the best mother I can be, the better I feel. I do want to go shopping for a few more baby clothes, can I interest anyone else in that?

33 weeks and 5 days.

Only 44 days to go.

Just a little over a month and I'll have a baby in my arms and not in my belly. It's still a little hard to believe. The more my body changes, the more I just feel... I don't know. It's like my body isn't my body half the time. It's like I'm this double organism. Me and then the baby inside of me. It moves. It kicks. I'm sure it can hear me. I'm sure it can hear Jace. I can't wait to have the baby here. To hold it. To see who it looks more like. I wonder if I'll make a good mother and I think that's the part of me that's the most afraid. I think I will, but there's that uncertainty. I never thought of having children before I got pregnant and now that my baby's birth is on the horizon, I couldn't imagine things any other way.

I'm twenty-seven weeks and three days pregnant today. It's a miraculous thing to experience. There's a baby in there just waiting to get out, growing everyday and I can see it and it's amazing. The more my belly grows the more I feel close to my baby, the more amazing the whole thing feels. Jace has been so amazing and on Valentine's Day Jace gave me a promise ring and promised we'd get married and I'd get to have my dream wedding and it's awesome. I'm so happy that I can't even think of a way to explain it. I'm just... happy. Happy feels amazing.

I'm just over twenty-one weeks now. Feels like I'm getting bigger every second of the day. It's odd for me to be feeling the way I'm feeling. All my clothes feel tight and sometimes I really wonder if I totally turn Jace off :( He is so great though and makes me feel special, I just wish that I felt more special about myself. Right now I just feel like a big fat cow. Maybe I just need to get out more than just going to work. Seriously. This being pregnant thing is wonderful sometimes, but today I guess I'm having an 'I feel fat' day.

It's still so crazy to think that there's a little person inside of me.

On top of being pregnant and everything that goes with that, I'm laid up in bed because of my leg. I just want to be able to walk again and do things for myself. Jace has been really wonderful. I couldn't ask for more. He does anything I ask him to do and most of the time, even the things I don't ask for. He's just all around amazing.

I want to be just as amazing for him and I really hope that I am.

I'm not at work for a few weeks til my leg gets better, but guys, I need some hang out time. Who wants to come visit the invalid?

I'm pregnant.


Yes. Pregnant.


I can't believe that I am, but... I'm happy. At least partly. Well... fully with the baby and with Jace, but here. God. I can't imagine what I'd do if I get out of here and I'm unable to find Jace. I don't want my baby to grow up without him. I don't want to raise him or her alone...


I have to think of a way to keep from losing him if we ever get out of this place.

I didn't know it was possible to come out on the other side of being so miserable.

Jace makes me happy.

Who would have thought I'd ever feel that emotion again?

Sometimes I really just want to go home. Then I realize that's never going to happen and for the rest of my life I'm going to be stuck in this horrible place. I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be mixed up in this mess that I've gotten mixed up in. I didn't ask for any of this. It would be nice to be in my warm bed, wrapped in my blankets, with the people I care about instead of being here.

But I guess I've got to make the best of it. Or at least try to.

But whatever, I need to stop grumbling and just say fuck it. I'm tired of trying to please other people. What good did it do me back home? I worked my ass off and still ended up here with nothing to show for myself.

I just wish all of this mess was a nightmare and I could wake up from it.

I've been back home for a while now. I've kept in contact with Letty, but I haven't gotten to see her. I've been trying to get back to myself without being a damper on anyone elses plans and right now... well, I could really use someone to talk to.

Letty, I want to see you so badly. I'm sorry for how things have turned out between us. I'm sorry that I've been so... off the wall with you. You don't deserve it and I want to see you. When you think you have some time for me, could you come over, maybe? Please?

For everyone else, anybody just wanna grab a bite to eat and hang out? I'm tired of being lonely.

I never knew it was possible to hurt and be happy at the same time. Mitchell... you're great, god you know you are... and you make me so very happy.

Letty... she's great to, but there's so much... so many things that I can't even begin to explain and every time I do, things just come out so wrong. Just like they did tonight.

I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry if you hate me. And I just... I wish I could just not even be here. Wish I could just fall asleep and wake up back home in my happy little world. Be a nurse. Not date. Be a virgin. Not have friends.

Fuck.

This is a FAKE journal. I am not Ellen Page and/or Hadley Bryant and this journal is strictly for roleplaying purposes for Morana Hill.